Heartbeats
by ColourMeChaos
Summary: "You owe me this Bella, you owe this to our friendship. After everything, after all this time, you need to give me this, as my friend." Bella and Jacob aren't in love but that doesn't mean they don't need each other. -AH, based on Heartbeats by Jose Gonzalez-
1. Chapter 1

**Heartbeats**

**Disclaimer: Twilight is not mine, I am strictly borrowing the characters for my own use. I own nothing but the plot.**

His eyes are wide and as dark as his black hair, lustful and passionate. She looks unsure but there's something in her that tells her to want it, that tells her she needs it but she doesn't know why. Maybe it's the wine she's been sipping on all night or maybe it's just the look in his eyes that makes her feel so desirable inside. Before she knows what she's doing, her eyes are closed and her face is against his, their noses touching. He can feel her uneven breaths on his lips and he's desperate to close the gap and feel her mouth move with his. He knows it's wrong, but why should it be if it feels so damn right?

"I-..." She wants to tell him it's okay but the words recoil in her throat as the air gets caught. A sigh leaves his lips as he moves away from her but those two shots of tequila have made his brain fuzzy and he ends up doing the opposite, closing the space between their lips instead. Her mouth is soft on his and he can taste the faint remains of her hot devil red lipstick as he drags his tongue across her bottom lip. One of her hands move onto his neck and pull at the short hairs just behind his ear, the other traces the firm contour of his bicep and as she does this he forgets about the suitcase and train ticket waiting at the bottom of his stairs, forgets about his girlfriend sleeping in his bed waiting for him to come home. He needs to breathe for a minute and he reluctantly takes his lips off of hers, dipping his head into her neck to breathe her in completely and boundlessly. Just like that he's caught up in this new world of Bella.

"You owe me this Bella, you owe this to our friendship. After everything, after all this time, you need to give me this, as my friend." He pants into the crook of her collarbone, his nose tracing the line of her neck.

She respires heavily and needs time to clear her thoughts, to think about what she's doing but it's difficult, really difficult, when his hand is so slightly slipping under her shirt and stroking the bare skin at the small of her back, while his teeth are barely grazing her collarbone as he regains his breath. Quickly as she can she slithers off the sofa and escapes into the kitchen, leaning on the counter for support and trying to unsmear her lipstick. She needs to think. She knows it's wrong. They're in relationships. Jacob and Leilani. Aleks and Bella. Not Bella and Jacob. They're not even in love. They're just friends. So why is she so anxious to go back in there and feel his body against hers? A wave of relief floods her tense muscles when his silent footsteps approach her and he leans against her back, hands braced against the counter beside hers. His chin hovers above her ear because she's so much smaller than he is, and when he speaks, his breath blows against her jaw. "Just tonight. I promise. And then I leave...and it never happened...and we'll still just be friends." She turns around abruptly, an achievement for how small the space between them is, and looks him in the eye, her stomach rubbing against the cold buckle of his belt.

"We'll still just be friends? Unaffected by this, like it never happened?" She reiterates.

"If that's what you want," he confirms. "I promise."

"Just tonight then," And she snakes her arms into his hair as she pulls him down desperately to her lips again. His hands coil around the back of her legs and squeeze the bottom of her rear before he hoists her onto the kitchen counter, giving him better access to her delicious mouth. Their four hands slip and slide as they get rid of their clothes as efficiently as they can and feel as much of another as is allowed. He slips her off the counter and strides into the bedroom, placing her on the sheets so he can take off his underwear, she does the same. The whole time they try to remember it's _just sex, _that there's nothing deeper to it. The lights are off and it's left that way, they don't need to see each other, they just need to feel it together. And when they do, it's like life cannot be any better than it is in that moment. There are shooting stars behind their eyelids, sweaty screams of desire, a single heartbeat that is the perfect rhythm.

They finish just as the sky begins to lighten and fall asleep on separate sides of the bed, apart and not touching.

When they wake up it's just before noon and neither know what to do. He wants to leave but he can't bring himself to walk out the door, she wants to look at him and wish him a safe train journey but her eyes are suddenly fascinated with the lines of the floorboards. They're stuck now, torn between knowing the right and wrongs of reality and the right and wrongs of them. Reality tells them they should leave then and there, part ways, go back to normal, _go back to being friends_. But everything inside them screams they should never leave each other again. With the promise unforgotten, eventually reality wins out and, as much as it pains him, he sits behind the wheel and drives away with less than a goodbye smile. Her heart tells her to follow him in her truck but her brain is sensible and can't, won't, comply with it. She remembers the promise, remembers it was _just tonight_ and slams the door in confusion at the mess of her feelings. She spends the next few minutes finishing her coffee and decides a shower is the simple solution to washing away the sticky feeling of sin and impurity.


	2. Jacob

**Heartbeats **

**Chapter 2: Jacob**

He's unsure what to expect when he opens the door to his apartment. Leilani sits at the small kitchen table with her feet on the stool in a long night-shirt, eyes unmoving from the newspaper in her hand. It's past midday and although she's usually changed she's still beautiful like always, her skin is golden and her legs are long, her hair a waterfall of silk falling down her back as she sips from her mug. It's strange, he expects to feel guilty and disgusted with himself as the realization of what he has done really hits him. But it never comes. She doesn't look up as he sits in a stool next to her so he stays quiet, trying to drag out the silence as long as it lasts. He studies her while she sits, going over all the reasons why he fell in love with Leilani:

1) She's a native, like himself.

2) She understands cars, she helps him in the garage.

3) She's a dancer.

4) She's tall, confident, charming.

5) She's a good friend to him.

But for some reason he contradicts them all in the back of his mind with why Bella is so much better than that, with why he loves Bella more:

1) She's not a native, but she wants to be and she loves hearing the stories and coming to the bonfires, never rolling her eyes or desperately wanting to go back home.

2) She's clueless about cars but admires the way Jacob can be so intricate and gentle, this makes him feel so damn special, to know that she's captivated with him.

3) She's got two left feet, which is perfect because Jacob does too and this way he's never forced to dance at parties.

4) Bella's small and shy and he loves the way she blushes and turns quiet when she's around people because he can tease and laugh with her about it later.

And here is where it dawns on him, that although he loves Leilani, he doesn't love her enough.

5) Bella's more than just a good friend; she's a permanent part of his life, regardless of how many years they spend apart.

He loves Leilani the way he loves Quil and Embry. He loves Bella like he loves absolutely no one else, she's like the exact perfect match for him and he can't really imagine himself growing old with anyone else.

His eyes drop from his gaze on Leilani and his head falls into his hands.

"I'm so sorry," he breathes while the cogs turn in his mind.

"So you should be," She knows. He can tell she knows by the way her voice has that ring of threat in it. He keeps his head down and his mouth shut, waiting for the rest of it. "I might have been okay with you stopping over at Isabella's house if you were back at a reasonable time but honestly Jacob, you come back after noon and say sorry? That's just plain stupid babe. And you know what, weirdly enough, for me sorry just doesn't justify sleeping with someone el-" It is at this point his mind slowly disconnects from the world, her words just become babblings that get lost in his ear canal and suddenly (actually not-so-suddenly because it's been in the back of his mind all along) he can list every single thing he doesn't like about his girlfriend and it's obvious to him that this list of cons massively outweighs the pros of his relationship. He can hear the volume of her voice increasing and the menacing, judgemental stare burning a hole in his shoulder snaps him out of his reverie. Somewhere inside him he knows he's being really disrespectful and that was not how he was raised but at the same time, he just cannot give a shit.

"Lilly, baby...just shut up," And he raises his head to look her steely in the eye. "I'm not saying sorry because I slept with Bella," she opens her mouth to retaliate, he doesn't let her. "I'm saying sorry for leaving you."

He stands up and Leilani's face is frozen in shock but it doesn't take her long to regain her senses. "Are you kidding me? I've just given you a second chance here and you're leaving me?"

It's too cliché for him to think that's what he's actually doing but it is, so he stands up, grabs his jacket and walks out the door. When he's on the road he feels elevated, relieved, on top of the world at the idea of going back to see his Bells and getting rid of all this anxiety. It's when he's 3 streets away from Bella that he realizes he can't go back. He promised her it was one night, he promised her it had never happened. He promised her _just friends_. The anger of his stupidity floods his muscles and he slams the wheel. "Dumbass idiot!" he yells to himself. He pulls over to the side of the road and punches the steering wheel some more, now angry at how thoughtless he could be. In his defence, he didn't anticipate wanting to see her again in the slightest, he meant every word he said last night, that they would still be friends and that it was only for one night. He sits there in his car, not knowing where to go.


	3. Bella

**Heartbeats**

**Chapter Two: Bella**

Her shower doesn't help. The hot water sends memories coursing through her brain of how her skin burnt last night at the touch of his hands. The cold water just makes her miss and ache for it more. She spends as long as she can under the faucet, trying to wash away all the thoughts and feelings that are devouring her from the inside out. When her fingers are wrinkly and the water has run out she climbs out the shower stall and curls up on the cold tiles of the floor, dripping wet and still too exhausted from her thoughts to move. Her hair is knotted and almost dry by the time she has managed to get to her bedroom, lethargically she goes through the motions of drying off and getting changed before falling onto the unmade bed. She wants to call him but she refuses to be the first one to ring so soon after it all; in the back of her mind, she also knows it's very likely his girlfriend could pick up and she doesn't want to cause Jacob any more trouble. The doorbell sounds and suddenly she's alert, excited at the idea that maybe he's felt the same way and he's come back, that he's a few steps away on the other side of her door. Running her hands through her hair and straightening her shirt, she skips down the stairs and pauses in front of the door. What is she supposed to say? Should she kiss him? Hug him? She steadies herself with a breath and pulls the door back.

Her heart breaks and she can feel her lungs empty.

"Oh crap," she mutters under her breath. It's Aleks, her boyfriend. He smiles at her and kisses her cheek on the way in. She can't move for a minute and stares out past the door, guilt slowly oozing into her veins as remembers her unfaithfulness.

"Place is a mess, Bella, guess that means a good party, huh?" He observes politely, helping himself to coffee and peering into the soda cups. A breeze drifts in and reawakens her. She shakes herself off and just for a minute, she feels normal again, not tired and pitiful. She clings to this feeling while she walks in and manages a response.

"Yeah, uh, Billy really enjoyed it, the surprise went well I think. There's leftover cake in the fridge if you want." When she looks around, she doesn't realize how much of a mess the place is. There are streamers half hanging from the light and chip crumbs, plastic plates, empty bowls, party popper containings strewn everywhere. On any other day she would not have been able to stand this mess and cleaned it first thing in the morning.

"No, I'm alright. So, are you ready to go soon?" He asks casually. She looks at him puzzled. "Remember we said we'd go down to the car showroom and see if there was anything there that you liked? Finally get rid of that old truck?"

"Ohh, right yeah. Uhm, actually I, er, I really need to clean up around here and uhm, we don't need to do that today anyway, my truck's fine for now." She tries to keep as close to the truth as she can.

"Alright, sure. I'll help out, keep you company." He smiles at her fondly while sipping on his mug and she does her hardest to return it even though she really, really wants to be alone. Thinking on her feet, she grabs her car keys and slips on her shoes.

"I'll just go out to get the supplies while you finish up your coffee. And help yourself to some cake too!" She turns off the street and doesn't think about how to get to the supermarket, she's well aware there are two cupboards stocked with more than enough bleach, stain removers and cloths. The main road is scarce of cars like usual but the red Volkswagen pulled over on the opposite side of the road surprises her and brings back those stirrings from earlier on in the shower. She can read from the license plate that it's Jacobs and if she squints, she can see his shoulders slumped over the steering wheel. She wants him again, to touch him and feel his burning skin when he crushes her in one of his hugs. But they promised. She pulls over and hesitates getting out, not knowing whether or not she can carry out a _just friends_ conversation like normal. With deep breaths, she crosses the road and nervously knocks on his window, plastering on a smile which would soon be real at the sight of his face.


	4. Chapter 4

**Heartbeats**

**Chapter Four**

He hears a tap-tap-tap on his window and expects it to be a policeman scolding him for his parking but his heart thumps at the sight of her on the other side of the glass. He has to compose himself, remember that they're _just friends_ and she does the same thing too. He opens the door and gets out of the car leaning against it and smiles at her, she does the same thing. They're both lost and unsure of what to do; the one thing they're certain about is that whatever they do, it needs to look easy, natural, like it did before.

"H-hey." She stammers out, a shiver rolling down her spine from the cold and her nerves.

"Hey." He says back with ease, more skilled at putting on an act although it still requires some effort.

"What are you doing out here, why were you pulled up?" She asks, more genuine this time because she's actually curious. In the back of her mind she hopes he'll say something like 'I realized I loved you so I came back' but she knows how unrealistic that is. The question stumbles him and he tries to search for something that will answer her question, not leave her wanting to ask more.

"Uhm, I..dropped my CD wallet and thought I'd pick them all up before someone stepped on them." It sounds stupid but he hopes that will convince her it's real, after all, who would lie about such a thing? There is a brief sliver of disappointment in her eyes before she nods, accepting his statement. He asks her something just to distract her from any further questioning. "So where ya headed?" She goes with the truth because if she lies he will most definitely catch her out.

"Picking up some stuff from the supermarket, I need to clean up the mess back at the house." There is a brief and awkward pause where neither know what to say or how to continue the conversation. She remembers he hasn't answered the second part of her question so she asks it again, once again hoping he will say something that means he's come back for her. In the back of her mind, she's pretty sure Jacob only comes to this side of Forks to see her. "What about you? Why were you headed up this way?" His jaw grinds and she isn't sure what to make of it. The only thing he can think of is the antique shop because that's the one thing La Push doesn't have that Forks does and the only other reason he would be coming up this way would be for Bella. He desperately wants to tell her that too, that he's only here for her but every time he comes close to wording it all he can think of is that damn promise ringing in the back of his mind.

"Oh, I was just going to the Antique Shop..yeah..Sue said she was looking for dining set and she loves old stuff so.." He trails off, certain that he's about as stupid as one person can be and curses in his head.

"Ohhh," She nods and tries to feign understanding but her heart sinks. "Right, yeah." The conversations returns back to its awkward silence. This never happens, and they both know it. There's always something to talk about between them but now all they can hear is the sound of the occasional car driving past and the nervous thumps of their hearts. Bella really cannot take it and there's this awful tugging just under her lungs that's pushing her to say something but she doesn't know if she can, if she should. The silence has lasted for just a minute but it feels so much longer than it actually is because of how rarely it happens between them. He doesn't understand why it's so quiet, and why the quiet feels so tense and he wonders if she can feel it too. There's a terrible gnawing in his chest and his shoulders feel heavy again, like they did in the car. They're both staring at their feet and she curses under her breath, not realizing Jacob can hear it. He looks at her, astounded at hearing something so sharp leave her soft mouth. He instantly regrets thinking about her mouth and lips at all because it leads him to remember last night in even further detail. It surprises him for a moment, at how much has changed inside him in less than 24 hours. She thinks about saying bye and getting back into her truck and going back home but she realizes that means going back to Aleks or going to supermarket where she'll have to put effort into buying things and talking to cashiers, neither of which sound appealing. She'd rather stay with Jacob, as awkward and uncomfortable as it is, there's a hidden satisfaction behind being near him. He knows the only thing he can do now is either tell her the truth or go back home and take his suitcase and train ticket back to Oregon and live with these feelings until the next time he comes back, which will be months too late. He doesn't care how disappointed she'll be when she finds out that he's shit at keeping promises and he vaguely remembers her boyfriend in this equation too but, selfish as it is, he'd rather she knew his feelings and at least that way, he'd go back to Oregon without burden.

"Bells, I might have to break a promise here," he takes a breath to settle his nerves. "I know what I said last night and at the time I really, really meant it. It was supposed to be a one-time thing because I know you're gonna go travelling soon and I wanted this before you left because when you go, it could be years before I see you again." He realizes there's no main point to what he's saying. "But I'm babbling. Bells, I love you." The words sound unimportant coming from his mouth as they're so commonly used. "And I know I say that to you every time I see you, but it's not like before, it's bigger somehow. It's like, I really, really love you." His words are quick and with limited thought when they fall out his mouth and he really hopes that his instincts are right because that's all he's been following. Her mind is reeling and what he's said is so honest she almost thinks she's imagined it. Her expression doesn't change for a few seconds.

"Did you really say that?" She doesn't think about what's come out of her mouth either and although he doesn't know what to expect from her, he knows it definitely wasn't that.

"Yes?" 'Oh crap,' is the only thing that he can think at that moment. She ungracefully falls to sit on the wet tarmac and her nose crinkles slightly as she feels the wetness seeping into the denim of her jeans. Her mind is still reeling. She knows she should be jumping for joy right now and that tugging under her lungs has disappeared now that she knows she has something to fall back on, but for some reason she just can't come to terms with it.

"So wait, you're saying...more than just friends?" That is the easiest way she can simplify it in her head. He nervously perches on his knees next to her, afraid he's crossed the carefully set best-friend boundary line.

"Yes. Well no, kinda. _I'm_ saying more than friends but _you're_ not. I know you have Aleks and I don't want to ruin that. I just needed to say it before we both went back home."

At the mention of her boyfriend, she remembers he's in a relationship too. "Wait, but what about Leilani?"

He looks away sheepishly and peers into the trees behind her. "I broke up with her when I went back this morning. And before you stress out and over think and get mad, it wasn't all because of you. I'm not in love with Leilani, I'm not gonna pretend I am anymore." She's afraid to think this is really real because all the things that are too good to be true in her life are. She asks him again, just to make sure. And again he clarifies clearly that he's in love with her, as more than a friend. The joy she was supposed to be feeling earlier is slowly starting to filter under her skin now and she lifts her wet bum off the tarmac, proffering a hand to him as well, not that he needs it. He's a bit wary of her movements, uncertain as to what she's feeling. Normally, he can look at her face and read which emotions are in her head like an open book. When they're stood up, she hugs him tightly around his waist, burrowing her head into his chest like she can't get close enough. He takes this gesture as a sort of goodbye, of her saying farewell to him, so he hugs her tightly back too. She needs this hug, it puts her at ease and makes her think everything will be okay and that's what she needs now, before she starts to think about the complications that will come with them being officially together. She doesn't want to let him go for a long while.

"When's your train leaving?" She sighs into his shirt.

"4:20," He murmurs, just above her ear, thinking she'll be disappointed it's not sooner.

"That's in like, an hour, right?"

"67 minutes to be precise."

"That's not very long." It starts to drizzle as they stand and hug and neither of them notice at first, until it starts to get heavier and she can feel her hair getting damp. They move into the backseat of the cab just for the shelter.

"Bella, babe, I'm confused." He really is, still not knowing how she feels.

"I know, me too. I need to go talk to Aleks, and you're in Oregon and I'm here and we've both got separate flat-"

"W-w-wait, what are _you_ saying?" In all this time, she's forgotten to tell him she feels the same way and she slaps her forehead at the stupidity of it.

"Oh! I'm saying that I'm with you!" She blurts out quickly, "I-I feel the same way, I don't know what it is but after last night it's just really weird and all of a sudden I love you too. And it's just like you said, it's a bigger love, it's more important and...extreme." She fidgets with her hand, really trying to come to grips with this whole thing. "I feel like such a big girl right now." She adds on as an after-thought, smiling at her fingers.

"You're saying you want to be with me? Past the _just friends_ line?" Now it's his turn to clarify. And instead of reassuring him with words, she leans forward and curls into his lap, leaning up to kiss his lips as she does.

"Yes, yes, yes." The words can barely be heard over the movement of their mouths.

**Authors Note:**

**It's been such a long time since I published and I'm really sorry for that! Being busy doesn't justify it and in all honesty, I just couldn't be bothered to write and when I did, nothing decent came out. But finally, we have progress! The song that inspired this mainly was Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez/The Knife. At first I was just listening to it and then I decided to look up what the song was actually about and the explanations led me to write this. The two song versions are very different which makes them sound like they're about two completely different things but I tried really hard to focus it onto one. The lyrics and song explanation are the last chapter, please give them a quick skim, I refer to them a lot in the story!**

**Thank you very much for reading anyhow and please, please review!**

**Yours Sincerely, **

**ColourMeChaos :) x**


	5. Lyrics

**Heartbeats**

**Lyrics:**

One night to be confused  
One night to speed up truth  
We had a promise made  
Four hands and then away  
Both under influence  
We had divine sense  
To know what to say  
Mind is a razor blade

To call for hands of above  
To lean on  
Wouldn't be good enough  
For me, no

One night of magic rush  
The start, a simple touch  
One night to push and scream  
And then relief  
Ten days of perfect tunes  
The colors red and blue  
We had a promise made  
We were in love

To call for hands of above  
To lean on  
Wouldn't be good enough  
For me, no

To call for hands of above  
To lean on  
Wouldn't be good enough

And you  
You knew the hand of the devil  
And you  
Kept us awake with wolves' teeth  
Sharing different heartbeats  
In one night

To call for hands of above  
To lean on  
Wouldn't be good enough  
For me, no

To call for hands of above  
To lean on  
Wouldn't be good enough

**Meaning:**

**In summary, I believe it's about two people who are friends that have (what is meant to be) a one night stand. Perhaps they can't be together emotionally because they are in other relationships or just don't want to blur lines of friendship. But even with the sharpest of minds, cannot deny their hearts and fall in love. The song has two main verses, it's very clear that in the first it's supposed to be one night of passion, and in the second, they are in love.**

One night to be confused  
One night to speed up truth  
We had a promise made  
Four hands and then away  
Both under influence  
We had divine sense  
To know what to say  
Mind is a razor blade

**To me, this makes it clear that they were friends and for the first time are giving into a deep unspoken connection that only they know to be true. They're both trying to rationalize the confusion/boundary of friends/lovers as to justify what they both want without admitting it on an emotional level, only physical. So under influence (probably a little drunk or just influence of passion..) they had the sense to tap into sharp minds, which can cut the heart out of the equation. An attempt to be unattached. "We had a promise made, four hands and then away." They agreed this would be only a temporary physical connection and nothing more.**

**The next verse acknowledges that the connection is more than just one night of passion:**

One night of magic rush  
The start, a simple touch  
One night to push and scream  
And then relief  
Ten days of perfect tunes (might be hues, not tunes)  
The colors red and blue  
We had a promise made  
We were in love

**They have a magical experience and can't put it back in the friend box afterwards like they previously promised. "One night of magic rush, the start a simple touch, one night to push and scream, and then relief." Those of you speculating some deep thought into this saying it's about pregnancy are reaching way too far...clearly they are just having amazing sex, and then they both orgasm..."Ten days of perfect hues, the colors red and blue"...The euphoric state you are in after an experience like that and during the beginning stages of love. You see everything through different eyes. Roses are red, violets are blue... They are in love.**

**The rest is pretty self-explanatory. This song was originally meant to be heavy on the influence of sexual passion and the brilliance of that evolving into something more. Jose's version seems much more emotional which is why I think people are reading too much into it. Both are beautiful in their own right, but at the end of the day it's about two people sharing heartbeats and becoming one, physically and then emotionally.**

**Disclaimer: None of it is mine, the explanation (found on songmeanings) or the lyrics.**


End file.
